Day 17

Today I reflected with teachers on the meaning of Mary lending me her heart and keeping me in her most pure heart. I was overwhelmed with awe when I looked at Mary's plea as a mommy of her only son - begging us to direct our attention to Him, to be awed by his every essence. I can not comprehend her desire for this because I can barely comprehend my own weak, human yet profound unspeakable love for my boys. How often do I want to share with others the absolute beauty and mystery and laughter of my children. I want others to see what I see in them. I want others to know them like I know them because it is so amazing to see each milestone unfold. How much more does Our Lady beg us sisters to ponder her Son in His perfection and to be awed by His grace, his gentleness, his humor. Lord, help me to turn to Jesus through Mary remembering always the Love she has for her son because He is her son.

Day 12

Your Will + my will = Sanctity

Thank you Lord for the Ignatian examen as a means for determining Your Will in my life. I couldn't help but laugh when two days ago, Matthew Kelley's prayer process is virtually the same process of the examen:

• 1Gratitude: Begin by thanking God in a personal dialogue for whatever you are most grateful for today.
• 2Awareness: Revisit the times in the past twenty-four hours when you were and were not the-best-version-of-your-self. Talk to God about these situations and what 
          you learned from them.
• 3Significant Moments: Identify something you experienced in the last twenty-four hours and explore what God might be trying to say to you through that event 
           (or person).
• 4Peace: Ask God to forgive you for any wrong you have committed (against yourself, another person, or Him) and to fill you with a deep and abiding peace.
• 5Freedom: Speak with God about how He is inviting you to change your life, so that you can experience the freedom to be the-best-version-of-yourself.
• 6Others: Lift up to God anyone you feel called to pray for today, asking God to bless and guide them.
• 7Pray the Our Father

Lord, help me make and find the time to participate fully in prayer to discern what is Your will and not my will.  To talk with you and not just "think things through." Help me to be a hand servant of the Lord. Mary, send me your graces. 

Day 11

In today's reflection, we read how St. Thomas Aquinas examines, "The Great Circle of Being." He observes how when we are in good order all things return to where they came forth from. Being Lent, the humble cross of Ashes placed upon our forehead surfaces - You are Dust. I can't helping thinking again of the infant I hold in my arms at night. If I smile, he smiles. He giggles. He could spend all day staring into my eyes or gazing upon the wonder of a fan blade circling about his head. He is baptized, free from original sin. Nothing in his little life has been tainted by disordered desires that drive our sin and separate us from God. I'm sure he even gazes upon the face of God, the hosts of angels, and the his guardian is present to him.

We journey through life. We are tested in our vocations - our marriages, our children test us they grow, time tests us, balancing our jobs with life demands is a challenge. We daily fail tests that might turn us for a moment away from that which are to return. If we are faithful to our prayer life, God in His love gets us back on track. I see it much like the DNA helix that Miss Truchan's class produced from an onion. It is a long spiritual spiral extending down through eternity. The students wrote that DNA is how God made us each unique - one child's response pointed out that our DNA marks us each a miracle. I may have to come back to this post and enter in some of their reflections. If DNA is the physical representation of our body, so must their be a spiritual realm. Some of the loops may be larger than others at those times we stray and wander - but thanks be to God - we turn back.

Lord, help me always to LISTEN to Your voice and turn back. Do not allow disordered desires stemming from our cultural influence (individualism, relativism, hedonism) that yield not the the fruits of the Holy Spirit, but fruits of greed, overtake me.

Save me O Lord.

Through Mary make my spiritual DNA a small and refined helix that is on the  most direct path to you and your Son in heaven.

Day 10

What I don't understand about modern culture:

Money. Please Lord give me just what I need to provide for my family and give to charity. 

Sex.  How could anyone ever cheat on their spouse? How could they convince themselves that it is okay? How can people be so numb as to not feel the pain and emptiness this betrayal causes. In our world, infidelity is common. I couldn't imagine ever being next to someone besides PJ(… dogs don't count.)

Power. Please Lord help me to seek you and not a popular reputation. 

Violence: Satan must be real. I do not and never will understand the root of violence, from where it is conceived, and how people can live with themselves after victimizing others. If Christ is conceived from the union between Mary and the Holy Spirit - Violence is conceived between the devil and _____….What is the opposite of the the Immaculate Conception?

I am grateful for:

PJ

The simplicity of my home and of my husband's dreams.

Time outside today.

Henry's laughter.

That God is present to Luke. 

Hearing the birds yesterday (sorry to the one that banged into the window a few times - they aren't even clean. Poor bird is just out of practice I guess.)

Day 9

Happiness and Jesus

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your life…

I have always known this, felt this, been guided by this even when I was most trapped in sin. The Holy Spirit has always remained present and visible to me. St. Max identifies the Holy Spirit as the uncreated Immaculate Conception - that which has existed before creation and will never cease to exist. What will the Holy Spirit in me create? For many years I was caught up in what I would become. God certainly gave me talents that could leave a mark on history if I played my cards right, if I worked hard, and if I kept striving for the next goal. Then suddenly…the something great I desired to do with my life changed...Through the sacrament of marriage  two souls made one conceived two new souls - created, baptized, and entrusted to PJ and me. They are the greatness of Christ. All else pales in comparison to great acts or deeds. It is no longer about writing the greatest novel, establishing the most life giving charity, or starting my own school. It is not about getting to the top of anything. The summit is actually tiny, humble, dependent on me, and the center of my life. My priorities have been turned upside down. It is no longer about me. Having children is a sure means to understand dying to self.

Day 8

Today, Michael Gaitley asks us to ponder with St. Maximilian Kolbe the question, "Who are you, O Immaculate Conception?" With GOD-incidence, Matthew Kelley asks us to ponder, "Who is Jesus Christ?" Maximilian Kolbe dedicated his life to this question. The apostles gave up EVERYTHING to follow Jesus for three years to come to understand Christ's own probe: "Who do you say that I am?"

What have I sacrificed in my life to truly come to know and be in deeper relationship with Christ and his beautiful heavenly mother? Why is "knowing" them, not just knowing about them so important?
St. Bernadette ate mud, forsake her image or what others might think of her, trusted beyond doubt when she saw and heard Mary speak to her. What have I done? Well…I chose Catholic Schools. I did so being only 3 years away from being vested. I did so knowing I would have to give up teaching at Delta. I did so with a $15,000 pay cut. I did so know that St. Mary's might not be viable - that I could be jobless if I didn't cut it. But, I have gained so much more in the past four years than I can put into words. I pray with children everyday. I pray with my colleagues everyday. I receive Communion more often than I ever could before. I read more scripture. I know more people striving for Holiness that influence me to want to strive for Holiness.

Perhaps even more importantly - when I made the decision to marry and enter into this vocation I sacrificed myself to get to know Christ and the Immaculate Conception. We are the domestic church. The challenges of our little unit make me turn to Christ often and submit to His will. Having my children deepens my understanding of Mary's maternal love for all of us. For example, nursing. When  a mother nurses an infant, it is said that it is best for the Mother to respond to the baby's cues and feed on call. As a mother, I spent hours trying to decipher the cries of the baby to come to know His needs and respond to them. There is no greater priority than nourishing him. I've always seen myself as this lowly little creature (which I am) turning to Mary and Jesus for favors because they call the shots. But it is not that way at all. Rather, Mary is mommy. To nourish me she is sitting and waiting patiently. She is studying the language of me so that she can be there for me. She is listening for my cues. She knows I am helpless but she never abandons me or leave me hungry.

Day 7

My philosophy in life is that if something is quick and easy, then it only takes superficial root. I think Michael Gaitley is really saying that Marian consecration is and OBVIOUS way to holiness, not quick and easy - certainly in today's culture - dying to self is not easy. The part of today's reflection that was most beautiful to me was the thought of Mary preparing my crosses with her love. I think that the practice of virtue is that much easier when place all crosses in the light of Mary reflecting on the Cross. I also think this is why it seems that those beloved by Mary have more crosses. She knows on earth it is only by bearing crosses and suffering with virtue that we will be free and that much more happy in eternity with Christ when our earthly life is over. So…she wants us to bear much so we can advance in discipleship and please her Son. 

I know that since the consecration started more "crosses" have emerged at work that have landed in my influence of responsibility. I can't help but wonder is it because I am participating in the consecration that these are surfacing? If I stopped offering myself to Mary would my earthly life be easier? Does she know my limits? Despite the "heaviness" of this week, I can say that I am at peace more than I have been in awhile. Tired. But at peace. I faced each cross with prayer, with trust, and with foresight. This has made me stronger. Practicing virtue as modeled by Mary does increase the fruits of the Spirit and they taste so sweet. 

Day 6

Today I could feel the consecration at work in all of the challenges of the day. When I got to school early to begin the long procrastinated iChat process, the internet was out. I did not get flustered. I avoided "feeling sorry for myself" as I tried to address the problem myself on a ladder in the boiler room. By 8:20 it had worked itself out.

At night, the baby was up every hour. I asked Mary to take over me - to help me avoid a sense of helplessness and grief. I was compelled to talk to the baby to get me through my own fear of being fatigued. "I know how I feel after a long night like this and I'm a grown up. You poor thing. Mama's here for you." He had horrible gas, at times it would relieve itself and I would comfort him. Talking to the baby and thinking about him and NOT me changed everything. Thank you Mary.

During observations, I looked at the teaching and learning going on in the school through the eyes of Mary. She is so pleased with the work and discipleship of all at St. Mary's.

When the fire inspection snafoo occurred at the end of the day, Mary was there holding my hand. Again, instead of getting overwhelmed, I felt in command of the situation while trusting in God's will for all.

It was a long night of meetings, but Mary gave me reprieve as I snuck home for exactly 15 minutes with my husband setting a 7 minute timer to nurse the baby on each breast. He is amazing. He saw my needs and knew my limits. She also blessed me "rich" minutes with Paulie during his night time routine which fed my soul.

Through all of this, I tried to respond with virtue and when I did so successfully, I reminded myself of the little peasant who have the apple the the queen and she placed it on a gorgeous gold plate before giving it to the King, making it worthy.

My sacrifices are small Lord, but you have given them to me. Make me worthy to one day be in Your presence in heaven.

Day 4

Pleasures: Red Wings hockey, Masterchef Jr., Getting my hair cut, a few minutes on the phone with a friend, a clean house, time at the dog park, a Starbucks coffee or chai latte, no dishes to clean (eat out)

Joy: Motherhood (even with 18 consecutive weeks of sleepless nights), Receiving Communion, Praying with my students, being in the teachers' classrooms, a sense of accomplishment, cuddling…Confession (I need to seek that more)>

Day 5

I pondered today how we truly know the difference between God's will for us and our own will, especially when we are doing our best to lead a pure life. How can I trust that my methods are God's methods? I want to spiritually mature and I feel like I'm at a dead end. When pondering life's tough decisions - what is best for my family? What is God's dream for me? Am I in the right place for discernment? Are my ambitions derived from self love or God's will? I don't want to just "ask for a sign" as this seems to be a whimsical effort at confirming God's will. I brought this dilemma to the attention of Fr. Gordon at the administrators retreat. He gave me two amazing insights: 1) He said to always hold decisions up in light of the fruits of the spirit and to never, ever make a decision when one is not in a good state of being surrounded by the fruits. That was very interesting to me. We often wait to make decisions when we finally get bitter enough, angry, resentful, or burnt out. 2) He recommended the Ignatian Examen as a method to better come to know and hear God's voice in prayer and in my life. I found an app with the five steps of the examen by the end of the day and knew it would be a great tool in my spiritual life moving forward. I couldn't believe I had never heard of it or practiced it before. I think God only exposes what we need when we are truly ready for it and truly seeking it. Ironically, on my drive home I called my sister to share my excitement. She said she had just looked up the examen as well after listening to a radio program and that her and her teenage son had been struggling with some of the same questions. I laughed when I felt that this was "a sign" even though I told God I wanted to try and get past that "fate-ist" type of practice. He has such a sense of humor. I think he was telling me that I'm alright, it's okay, and he is pleased that I want him to be the light in my life.

Day 3

Day 3

“His will is that no one should lose his soul.” God is the healer of my soul. What have done today to protect my soul? I received Holy Communion. I nursed my child. I did little things to make my husband feel loved on his birthday. I avoided resentment. I spent time with my Mother and told her how much I appreciated her being in my children’s lives. I held my son when he was scared at night and didn’t think about how tired I might be later. I attended my school fundraiser and thanked the chairperson for her hard work. I shared smiles with my students as they took the court with the Detroit Pistons. I avoided judgment. I lived in the moment and was not preoccupied with future tasks. I laughed.

Day 2

Day 2

Inspiration: 

33 Days to Morning Glory, Michael Gaitley

“We had hoped to build a Calvary here. Let us build it in our hearts. Blessed be God.” 

The fruits of our daily labor are not always what we imagine them to be. Am I prepared for this truth? We may work day in and day out with a preconceived notion of what these sacrifices might yield. We do so with good intention. We feel the Lord’s presence in all that we do. Yet, am I detached enough? God at any time can close up shop. He can shut the door. He can silence all. And if he does, do I trust in the greater good that I can not see?

This lesson was most evident in my life when my husband and  I faced the unexpected news that we would most likely not have children…that a hysterectomy was the best outcome to protect my health. I remember crying through Baptisms at church and expressing my guilt, fears and anger privately to my Pastor. In prayer I began to accept that God might have different “greater purpose” for me and I slowly began to accept the peace in my heart that I could live that out whatever it was in a noble way. Yet, I continued to seek second opinions, which lead to alternative treatment plans at U of M Cancer Treatment Center, then this teeny tiny window of time we could try to conceive in after 4 consecutive healthy biopsies. My husband and I had no time to question, doubt, or wait to think about what we wanted or what was practical. It was now or never,  and we completely submitted ourselves to Him. 

Paul John Martindale was conceived on the same day I saw the Golden Host during a mass said for Administrators  by Reverend Steve Mattson at St. Mary’s Cathedral in Lansing, Michigan. He was born November 19, 2012. Henry Jude followed 23 months later on October 2, 2014.

Day 1

Day 1

Inspiration: 

33 Days to Morning Glory, Michael Gaitley

Dynamic Catholic, Matthew Kelly

My sons

I had the privilege of putting my son down for his nap on this very cold Friday. School is canceled and children are safe inside warm homes. I watched Paulie as he drifted off to sleep. I laid my head at the foot of the bed by his feet. He reached out for my hand. He placed my hand on his foot to rub it, then on his thigh, his face, and back to his foot. I gently stroked and massaged each place to where he guided my hand, knowing that it brought him comfort. I pretend too that I am sleeping, but every once in awhile I sneak a peek at him and he has this little secret smile on his face. His eyes are blinking to sleep. I sense he is looking at angels above him, or God himself is there, or even Mary is playing peek a boo. I’ve always thought that babies can still see the angels and heavenly things. I love watching him drift off so happily. My heart is flooded with love.

This is how God feels (and so much more) when we lay our head down at night. He loves to adore us. If we point out where we need it, he is there gently massaging the areas of our day that brought us anxiety, fear, or sadness. He is flooded with joy when he sees we are full of peace. 

How often do I forget that as my loving parent, God is adoring me and wanting to be near to me? When he looks upon my face, what does he see? 

Is my face glowing? Are my thoughts on how God is with me. Am I remembering how much he loves me and is pleased with me even in the areas I have fallen short of others or my own expectations? 

Or, is my face distorted from the day? Have I allowed myself to be influenced by others who are negative or who are distant from the Lord’s purpose? Am I worried about pleasing them or what they think of me? 

Does God look upon a child who is grateful? Or am I being self absorbed? Do my thoughts revolve around what didn’t go my way? Or, are my thoughts focused on how blessed I am.

When I lay my head down at night am I distracted by my phone, my work, my plans? Or, am I dreaming of God’s plans for me?

Lord, help me to be on fire for you. Help me to have a deeper desire to be on fire. Protect me from all of the influences that separate me from your loving and adoring gaze. Amen.