Day 5

I pondered today how we truly know the difference between God's will for us and our own will, especially when we are doing our best to lead a pure life. How can I trust that my methods are God's methods? I want to spiritually mature and I feel like I'm at a dead end. When pondering life's tough decisions - what is best for my family? What is God's dream for me? Am I in the right place for discernment? Are my ambitions derived from self love or God's will? I don't want to just "ask for a sign" as this seems to be a whimsical effort at confirming God's will. I brought this dilemma to the attention of Fr. Gordon at the administrators retreat. He gave me two amazing insights: 1) He said to always hold decisions up in light of the fruits of the spirit and to never, ever make a decision when one is not in a good state of being surrounded by the fruits. That was very interesting to me. We often wait to make decisions when we finally get bitter enough, angry, resentful, or burnt out. 2) He recommended the Ignatian Examen as a method to better come to know and hear God's voice in prayer and in my life. I found an app with the five steps of the examen by the end of the day and knew it would be a great tool in my spiritual life moving forward. I couldn't believe I had never heard of it or practiced it before. I think God only exposes what we need when we are truly ready for it and truly seeking it. Ironically, on my drive home I called my sister to share my excitement. She said she had just looked up the examen as well after listening to a radio program and that her and her teenage son had been struggling with some of the same questions. I laughed when I felt that this was "a sign" even though I told God I wanted to try and get past that "fate-ist" type of practice. He has such a sense of humor. I think he was telling me that I'm alright, it's okay, and he is pleased that I want him to be the light in my life.